The Profit Prophet

I am a big believer in humor and love intelligent word play.  Over the course if my, many, many years, I have run across quite a few truisms and now have listed them here for you to enjoy.  It is not all inclusive, but they are funny, and right now, we all can use a bit of humor.  Enjoy, and I hope you get a chuckle out of them. 1.     If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive. 2.     I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you. 3.     Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water. 4.      I changed my password to "incorrect" so whenever I forget it the computer will say, "Your password is incorrect." 5.     Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. 6.  ...

This post has to do with word-play… Something I truly enjoy. Here are a few examples... like: you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish (great album name btw) . . . or: I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger . . . .. then it hit me . . . .etc.). To write with a broken pencil is . . . pointless. When fish are in schools they sometimes . . . take debate. A thief who stole a calendar . . . got twelve months. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles . . . U.C.L.A. The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes . . . was on shaky ground. The batteries were given out . . . free of charge. A dentist and a manicurist married . . . they fought tooth and nail. A will is a . . . dead giveaway. If you don't pay your exorcist . . . you can get repossessed. With her marriage, she got a new name . . . and a dress. You are stuck with your debt if . . . you can't budge it. (budget..get it?) Local Area Network in Australia: . . . The LAN down under. A boiled egg is . . ....

This post is near and dear to my heart…puns! Below are some situations that we are really familiar with, but whose outcomes may make your grown! Please, please, please realize this is NOT for the faint of heart, but should bring you a chuckle no matter what day it is or where you are. ________________________________________ King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates , the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it." "But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!" Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are." A mechanic once owned a dog named Mace. Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass in the mechanic's lawn,...

Paraprosdokian: Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation. A paraprosdokian (from Greek "παρα-", meaning "beyond" and "προσδοκία", meaning "expectation"). Some of these I am sure you have seen elsewhere, but all are very funny, especially now all in one place. At a minimum, hope this brings a smile to your face.. ________________________________________ I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list. Light travels faster than so...