The Profit Prophet

I am a big believer in humor and love intelligent word play.  Over the course if my, many, many years, I have run across quite a few truisms and now have listed them here for you to enjoy.  It is not all inclusive, but they are funny, and right now, we all can use a bit of humor.  Enjoy, and I hope you get a chuckle out of them. 1.     If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive. 2.     I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you. 3.     Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water. 4.      I changed my password to "incorrect" so whenever I forget it the computer will say, "Your password is incorrect." 5.     Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. 6.  ...

Here is a list 20 things that on the surface have quite a bit of wisdom, but are just plain funny as well. Some are priceless, and all are pretty humorous. As we all need a little humor every day, I hope these quips turn up the corners of your mouth. All the best and Excelsior everyone! 1. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.  2. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.   3. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.   4. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.   5. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.   6. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.   7. Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.   8. Light travels faster t...

I am big fan of gender equality, be it in wage compensation, recognition, and respect, but even if we do ever achieve these, men and women will always be different..and viva the difference!! Yes, men are men and women are women and never the twain shall meet, except when the fall in love.  With that said, I feel women do have to be extraordinary JUST to be recognized by most men, and that is sad.  But why? Well, it is because men have TOTALLY different priorities to women, and I think this story will explain why. One day a man decided to retire... He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" She r...

Sometimes, with all the electronic conveniences we have to communicate with we forget that not everyone wants to be privy to a conversation you are having, and during a trip of any length, many of us would just like to "turn off."  Of course, sometimes people as so involved with what they are doing they do not realize what incredible bores they can be.  Here is a little story on how a gentleman handled this situation with aplomb. After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled out her mobile phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train". "Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not four thirty, but I had a long meeting". "No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss". "No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life". ...

As you know, I am a big fan of quotations as I believe they are like pearls of wisdom handed down through the ages that we can wear and that can sustain us in difficult times.  Like little beacons of light to remind us about what we should or could do. So, when an Elementary School Teacher presented each child in her first grade classroom the first half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb some incredibly random wisdom occurred. It is hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6 & 7-year-old’s! 1. Don't change horses until they stop running. 2. Strike while the bug is close. 3. It's always darkest before Daylight Saving Time. 4. Never underestimate the power of termites. 5.. You can lead a horse to water but how? 6. Don't bite the hand that looks dirty. 7. No news is impossible 8. A m...

If you have any started up a company or had to run a tightly knit group of go-getters there is really nothing more important that an excellent channel of communications, where each and every party understands what is being communicated. That is why to this day in the Navy a sailor still repeats the orders given by officers..so that both parties understand that it was received, correctly understood and will be executed.  To show how when someone is taken out of their element and put into a seemingly odd place communication becomes critically important, sometimes, important things get lost in translation.  Bubba, a handsome furniture dealer from High Point, North Carolina, decided to expand the line of furniture in his large store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find. After arriving in Paris he met with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home in North Carolina, and additionally become a US distributo...

This post has to do with stereotypes and that sometimes age and cunning will always overcome hubris and arrogance... Hope you enjoy.  ________________________________________  Two businessmen in New York, were standing around and taking a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, and didn't even have the shelves set up. One said to the other, "I bet any minute now, some Jewish guy is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."  No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old Jewish man, walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "Vot ya sellin' here?"  One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes." Without skipping a beat, the old Jewish man said, "Must be doing well...only two left."

Well, it is that time again…SXSW has hit town, and it used to be about music…so I thought I would throw in a humor post dedicated to some of the best new Country & Western songs that have not yet come out ..but should… enjoy..    10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine 9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With A Few 8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me 7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin' 6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win 5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here 4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him 3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger 2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer And the Number One Country & Western song is... 1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day Long

This post  has to do with a subject I enjoy, Stress .  Yes, Stress!  As I like to say, I am generous with stress. I do not have stress, I give stress, but this post deals with real stress and not an easy way out......enjoy… You pick up a hitchhiker, a beautiful girl. Suddenly she faints inside your car and you take her to the hospital. Now that's stressful. But at the hospital, they say she is pregnant & congratulate you that you are going to be a father. You say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are. This is getting very stressful . Then... you request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father. After the tests are completed, the doctor says that you are infertile, and probably have been since birth. You are extremely stressed but relieved. On your way back home, you think about your 3 kids ..... NOW THAT'S STRESS!

I thought I would start it off with a bang, and a little ironic humor. Enjoy, and remember the value of discounting…. ______________ Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't show up." "Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?" "I'm an assassin, a hit man," was the reply. "You're joking!" was the response. "No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools." "That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I migh...

I hope each and everyone one of you had a stress free, joyous, wonderful, beautiful, memorable Christmas time? I thought you would enjoy this Fryday humor post as Christmas is celebrated in many different ways, by many different people, and some of those people do not believe, and that is where a good sense of humor comes to play…Hope this brings a smile to your faces!!! The young teacher asked: "What do you do at Christmas time? A Catholic student answered: "Well me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we all go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys." Then a Protestant child replied: Well me and my sister also go to church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep waiting for Santa ...

Since Christmas is only 5 days away, I wanted to send you off with some good cheer. As you know the new diagnostics equipment out there is awesome, so much so it may give you results you never expected. Thanks Jim for the forward… and Merriment to All! One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies "There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot cheaper than a doctor." So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco. He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. S...