Why Teachers Drink

This Post has to do with actual responses to this year’s GED exams taken by 16 year-olds across the country. Only the best where listed here, but is so sad to think that in a few years these kids will be able to vote. Wow. Enjoy, and be very, very afraid…

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Q. Name the four seasons?
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
(mustard must be when the leaves turn yellow?)

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink?
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans?
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight. 
(wow, covered all the bases with this one)

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed. 
(this is a great Malapropism!) 

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election. 
(well, partially true, no matter what we are going to get screwed in a election)

Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs. 

(Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)
 
Q.. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental. 

(and apparently cosmopolitan too!)

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
 A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. 

(OK..So true)
 
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes?
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination?
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow. 

(Oh my, I guess is what it means to go stud?)

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow. 

(Simple, but brilliant)
 
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)?
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U. 

(apparently, they were not using their brainium, and I would like to see this person take a dump)                                                 

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium 

(That would work)
 
Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'?
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome 

(at least they did not say a slice pizza)

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. 

(Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
 
Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport. 

(Irrefutable)
 
Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning?
 A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. 

(OMG)
 
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight 

(brilliant, and my brother’s daughter is my Denise)

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head 
(now I understand why the dervishes are whirling!)