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20 Quips On Life

Here is a list 20 things that on the surface have quite a bit of wisdom, but are just plain funny as well. Some are priceless, and all are pretty humorous. As we all need a little humor every day, I hope these quips turn up the corners of your mouth. All the best and Excelsior everyone!

1. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. 

2. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
 
3. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
 
4. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
 
5. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
 
6. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
 
7. Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
 
8. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
 
9. If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
 
10. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich. 

11. Going to church (temple, mosque) doesn't make you a Christian (or Jew, Muslim, etc.) any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
 
12. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public (ok, maybe some of us).
 
13. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
 
14. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
 
15.Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
 
16.Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
 
17. Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
 
18. My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
 
19. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
 
20. The Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
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