Paraprosdokians (humor)

Paraprosdokian: Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation. A paraprosdokian (from Greek "παρα-", meaning "beyond" and "προσδοκία", meaning "expectation"). Some of these I am sure you have seen elsewhere, but all are very funny, especially now all in one place. At a minimum, hope this brings a smile to your face..
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• I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
• Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
• I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
• Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
• The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
• Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
• Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
• If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.
• We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. (And some never learn!)
• War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
• Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
• The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
• I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they’re flashing behind you.
• Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
• A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
• How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
• Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
• Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
• I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
• If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
• A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
• Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify: I put “DOCTOR.”
• I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
• I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it...so I said “Implants?”
• Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
• Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
• Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?
• Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
• The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
• Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
• A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
• Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
• Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
• I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
• Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
• There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
• I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
• I take life with a grain of salt; plus a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila.
• When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
• You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
• To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
• Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
• Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
• A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
• If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• I’m supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
• In filling out an application, where it says, ‘In case of emergency, Notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR’.
• Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
• Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
• Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.
• Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
• Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
• Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
• Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
• My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
• Don’t argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.