The Profit Prophet

In these very uncertain times, when the stresses of work, family, the stock market, job security, marital bliss, and friends seems to be all out of order, I am reminded by what is really important from this story a friend of mine sent me a few years ago. I title it, "My life is a Mayonnaise Jar." I hope it brings as much wisdom to you as it did me. A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar... Of cour...

Administratium has no protons or electrons, thus having an atomic number of 0. It has, however, 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. A force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons holds these 312 particles together. It is also surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes into contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally have occurred in less than a second. Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately 3 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. In fact, Administratium'...

There is a lot of talk about "job creators" and "redistribution of wealth" and fair taxation lately. No, I am not an expert on taxation, but I tend to be a good student of the human condition, and I know one thing for sure, that while we are all created equal, we are NOT all endowed with equal gifts. Some of it is just luck, and some is hard work, but however it has been gained, there are differences in all of us and trying to 'make' us equal through taxation is just counter-intuitive. I believe the story below makes the most sense. Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this: The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing. The fifth would pay $1. The sixth would pay $3. The seventh would pay $7. The eighth would pay $12. The ninth would pay $18. The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59. So, that's what they dec...

A successful businessman was growing old and knew it was time to choose a successor to take over the business. Instead of choosing one of his directors or his children, he decided to do something different. He called all the young executives in his company together. He said, 'It is time for me to step down and choose the next CEO. I have decided to choose one of you. The young executives were shocked, but the boss continued. 'I am going to give each one of you a SEED today-one very special SEED. I want you to plant the seed, water it and come back here one year from today with what you have grown from the seed I have given you. I will then judge the plants that you bring, and the one I choose will be the next CEO.' One man named Jim was there that day, and he, like the others, received a seed. He went home and excitedly told his wife the story. She helped him get a pot, soil and compost ,and he planted the seed. Every day he would water it and watch to see if it ...

Subject: Letter from Management Dear Employees, Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPED (Retire Aged People Early Departure). Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFTED scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination Earnings Disbursement). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREWED program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers Earned Disposition). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate. Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management. Persons who are ...

When a company falls on difficult times, one of the things that seems to happen is they reduce their staff and workers. The remaining workers must find ways to continue to do a good job or risk that their job would be eliminated as well. Wall Street and the media normally congratulate the CEO for making this type of "tough decision," and his board of directors gives him a big bonus. Our government should not be immune from similar risks. Therefore: Reduce the House of Representatives from the current 435 members to 218 members. Reduce Senate members from 100 to 50 (one per State).   Then, reduce their staff by 25%. Accomplish this over the next 8 years`(two steps/two elections) and of course this would require some redistricting.   Some Yearly Monetary Gains Include: · $44,108,400 for elimination of base pay for congress. (267 members X $165,200 pay/member/ yr.) · $97,175,000 for elimination of their staff. (estimate $1.3 Million in staff per each member of the House, a...

Definition: Liquidity is when you look at your retirement funds and wet your pants.